144

NO SMALL PARTS

 

When I first auditioned, the movie was called Phantom Phallus, but last I heard it’s getting released as Private Peril. I play the hero, an attractive young lawyer named Greg. The story begins when my character visits his younger brother, Tom.

Tom and his girlfriend are for some unspecified reason staying at a cabin in the woods. (I think the idea is the cabin belonged to our parents?) The three of us, establishing our characters, then Tom and his girlfriend go to bed.

That night my character’s on the couch “preparing for a case”—Props gave me some manila folders to flip through—when I hear Tom screaming from one of the bedrooms.

(I tried to improv a joke here: my surprise that Tom could make a girl scream, etc. But the director said it killed the tension.)

So my character investigates the scream somberly, without comment. When I find Tom, he’s collapsed on the floor clutching his blood-soaked crotch. His topless girlfriend sits next to him, crying.

I’m all, “What the fuck happened, did you fucking bite it off?”

She explains via flashback how she and Tom had been fucking like normal when Tom suddenly began gushing blood, as if his dick had been torn off by a monster.

An ambulance comes for Tom, and then we cut to my character in research mode at what I guess is supposed to the law firm. (We’d filmed it in the manager’s office of a Del Taco, so it was hard for me to think of it as anything but.)

Through online news articles etc., my character finds two recent deaths that sound similar to Tom’s. (We get flashbacks of how they died, too. One of the guys, his dick actually explodes—it’s pretty disgusting.)

So then, my character goes to visit Tom in the hospital, just so happening to arrive right as the next dick-victim is getting rushed to the ER.  I sneak into his room because… I’m not quite sure exactly… and give him this whole monologue about how I have to destroy this monster or more guys will get hurt, and then my brother’s death will mean nothing, etc.

Before the guy can respond, he starts gagging like crazy. Alarms sound and doctors rush in, unable to figure out what’s wrong…

…until we all see the dramatic puffing in his throat and realize: this guy is being choked to death by an invisible dick.

A montage of more research leads me to conclude that this phantom phallus was none other than the Penis Demon. I receive the amulet needed to defeat it from either a sexy librarian or a mysterious, sexy Wiccan—we shot two different versions, because the director couldn’t decide. (The amulet was plastic and tacky in both.)

The Penis Demon’s lair is this creepy apartment where the walls are covered in pictures of dicks connected by pins and strings crazy-person style.

I’m studying all this, trying to figure out the Penis Demon’s next move, when it sneaks up behind me and tries to kill me. Thankfully I have the amulet and can use the binding spell I learned from the librarian/Wiccan!

The amulet glows, and the Penis Demon—after an ectoplasmic orgasm all over the screen—shrivels and sinks into the fiery pits of hell.

(At least they told me this is what it’ll look like, after the visual effects team is done. All I saw was a bright green dildo against a blue backdrop.)

Then my character’s standing there all victorious, and you think the movie’s over, but wham! I’m tackled by a gun-wielding fat dude who was hiding in the apartment bathroom.

I trip him and he slips on a puddle of ectoplasm jizz, dropping his gun, which I pick up and point at him. “I demand an explanation!”

Long story short, it turns out the victims all had one thing in common: enormous cocks. The fat guy (who never gets a name), he explains how he was sick of seeing those massive dicks flaunted in the locker room. So the fat guy summoned the Penis Demon to make them suffer. Then the fat guy, in what is actually the film’s scariest scene, pulls down his pants as he bursts into tears, revealing a less-than-micro-penis, a hideous little nub barely visible in a tangle of pubic hair.

(I dunno how they found a guy to play this part—I guess some people will play anything for money.)

My character stares in stunned silence—I didn’t bother trying to improv a joke, I felt too horrible for the guy—and the police bust in.

Roll credits.

It’s not the most high-brow project, but everyone has to get started somewhere, right

Plus, they’re already planning a sequel—something about a bald man who steals scalps—so this could really be the big break I’ve been looking for.

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